Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
