Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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