I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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