from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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