I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
