this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
