Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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