Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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