This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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