How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
