I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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