you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How does one acquire holy water?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
