Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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