seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
