So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
