decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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