I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
