Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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