1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
