youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
