words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
