Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
