There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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