she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
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