So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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