The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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