The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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