Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Randomize
