I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
