Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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