this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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