ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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