There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
