Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
