Too much gin, very little bucket
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
