If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
