I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
