I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
