I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
