Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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