i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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