Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
