a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Too much gin, very little bucket
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
