Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
