He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
