please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
