I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
