i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
