I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
