Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just gargled with NyQuil
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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