I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
