I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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