my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
