he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
