If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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