20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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