i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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