Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
